Scientific Breakthrough: The Cause of Homosexuality

We have recently learned that two of my mother's former students are gay.

My mother, though she never said anything about it at the time, now realizes she knew it even back then.

Luckily, my mother has also figured out the scientific cause of gayness: weird mothers. Both boys had weird mothers. It is clear those mothers did some very serious damage to their sons.

All of us WITHOUT weird mothers can now REST EASY.

One of Four Possible Subjects

It would be super-funny to use tags/labels for these posts, because I'd have, like, four:

1. Mother
2. Religion
3. Husband
4. Sex

Hee.

Today it's mother. And here is how she is driving me nuts: she keeps saying that when I was on Zoloft (this was SEVEN years ago), they "lost me"---as in, because I was transformed into a weird, not-myself person. Here are the annoying things about this:

1. I went off Zoloft because it didn't seem to be doing much. Mike agreed. But while I was on it, my mother NEVER SHUT UP about how I "wasn't myself."

2. When I went back on Zoloft later without telling her, she didn't notice any difference.

3. I'm currently on Prozac, which is having more effect than Zoloft, and whenever she mentions how "gone" I was on Zoloft, she compares it to the real me I currently am.

4. She has brought it up five times in the last three weeks. I guess that doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels really frequent to bring up something that happened seven years ago.

5. The reason she's so touchy about it is that the issues I was being treated for are less-severe versions of the same issues she has. To her, if I need medication, it means SHE needs it.

Complaint Policy: Addendum 1

I didn't think it was necessary but evidently it is: we need a "appropriate time and place" addendum to the Complaint Policy.


Perfectly acceptable complaint: Our children are driving us crazy.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our mothers who know we want them to cluck and say words like "normal" and "over soon," rather than saying, "OMG yes, those little shits are driving me BERSERK."

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend whose child just died.
2. At that child's funeral.
3. In the comment section of a blog about infertility struggles.



Perfectly acceptable complaint: Our spouses are driving us crazy.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our mothers who know we aren't looking for the response, "I've never understood why you married that schmuck."

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To widows/widowers.
2. To a friend whose spouse is an actual horrible person rather than a run-of-the-mill annoying one.
3. In the comment section of a blogger grieving for a lost spouse.



Perfectly acceptable complaint: Our jobs are driving us crazy.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our spouses who know we aren't looking for the response, "OMG I would totally trade MY job, which is ACTUALLY awful, for YOUR job, which is easy and pleasant."

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend who just lost her job and can't pay her bills.
2. To a co-worker, within earshot of your boss.
3. On our blogs, but with workplace-identifying details.



Perfectly acceptable complaint: There are downsides to being an at-home/working parent.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our spouses who know we aren't looking for the response, "You know, you're the one who wanted this" or "How do you think _I_ feel?"

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend who is doing the other option, using a communication style that implies that SHE is doing the LUXURIOUS and EASY and WONDERFUL option, whereas WE are STUCK and SUFFERING.
2. To a friend who is doing the other option, using a communication style that implies that SHE is doing it the way that damages her children, whereas WE are making huge sacrifices for our children because WE love them.
3. To our mothers who might say, "Well, dear, in MY day..."



Perfectly acceptable complaint: Someone we're voluntarily associating with is driving us KER-RAZY and everything they say is STUPID and WRONG.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To spouses who totally take our side and suggest we not have anything to do with that cheesehead.

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend, within earshot of the krazy-maker.
2. To spouses who say, "Well....then why are you still voluntarily associating with her, dumbass?"
3. In spray-paint on the wall of the krazy-maker's house, or in the comment section of the krazy-maker's blog.



Perfectly acceptable complaint: We're getting migraines every other day now.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To friends with similarly/less severe ailments---or, using moderation and perspective, to our friends with more serious ailments.
3. To the doctor who is going to give us DRUGS OMG GIVE US DRUGS.

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend undergoing treatment for a brain tumor.
2. To anyone we're talking to, if we start by saying "That's NOTHING, _I_...".
3. In the comment section of a blog about a child with cancer.



Just because a hotttie tight short dress is appropriate for a club, that doesn't mean it's ALWAYS appropriate EVERYWHERE (funerals, office job). And just because complaining about things that bother us is appropriate, that doesn't mean it's ALWAYS appropriate EVERYWHERE.

Complaint Policy

From time to time it is a good idea to review the Complaint Policy for the Constance Building (and, really, for ALL buildings).

1. It is fine to complain about your children, even if there are lots of people who are desperate to have children but can't. Children still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

2. It is fine to complain about your spouse, even if there are lots of people who are desperate to get married but can't, and even if there are lots of people who lost a spouse to death or divorce and would give anything to have the spouse back to complain about. Spouses still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

3. It is fine to complain when something expensive goes wrong with your house or car, even if there are lots of people who are desperate to have a house or car but can't afford it. Ownership of expensive, needy items still sucks sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

4. It is fine to complain about your mother/father, even if there are lots of people who would give anything to have their dead mothers/fathers back again. Mothers/fathers still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

5. It is fine to complain that your partner wants sex more/less often than you do, even if there are lots of people who would LOVE IT if their partner wanted sex as often/infrequently as your partner does. It's the difference in appetite that is so stressful, whichever direction it goes.

6. It is fine to complain about your diet, even if there are lots of people in the world who don't have enough to eat. Diets still suck sometimes, even though having enough food is good, and you may say so.

7. It is fine to complain about being in debt, even if it was your own decisions that got you there. Being in debt still sucks, and you may say so.

8. It is fine to complain about a medical problem, even if there are people with more severe medical problems who would love to trade. Having a medical problem still sucks, even if other medical problems suck more, and you may say so.

9. It is fine to complain about a reduction in income, even if your new reduced level is a level other people aspire to. An income reduction still sucks, and you may say so.

10. It is fine to complain about your job, even if other people are desperate for employment, and even if other people would love to have your job. Jobs still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

12. It is fine to complain about the weather, even if other people would love to have weather more like yours. Different people like different kinds of weather, yes? And so someone who doesn't like heat may still complain about the heat even if someone who LOVES the heat isn't getting enough. The complaint is about the discomfort, wherever the discomfort lies.

13. It is fine to complain about the downsides of being an at-home parent, whether you're in that role by choice or by necessity, and even if other people would love to be at-home parents. It is fine to complain about the downsides of being a working parent, whether you're in that role by choice or by necessity, and even if other people would love to be working parents. At-home/working parenting still sometimes sucks, and you may say so.

14. It is fine to complain about ANY situation that makes you feel bad/sad/mad/stressed, even if everyone in the entire world would not unanimously agree that the situation was a negative one, and even if SOME people in the world would consider the situation a POSITIVE one. That would be like saying people who have been flooded out can't complain, because other people are in a terrible drought and dying for rain.

Better Analogy

Maybe this is a better analogy than yesterday's. I think sometimes when someone wants sex Less Often, the assumption is that that person "doesn't like sex" or "never wants sex" or whatevs. I don't know why that is. Certainly there ARE people who don't like sex, but that's a different place on the spectrum than "wanting it less often than partner does." The person who wants it Less Often might have a larger than average sexual appetite, for example, but their partner has an even larger one.

So here is my second try at an analogy. Let's say I love pizza, which I do, and let's say I like to have it every single week, which I do. I look forward to it for days, and I enjoy every bite, chewing slowly because it is So! Delicious! I love pizza. It's one of my favorite foods. I choose it for my birthday dinner every year.

And let's say that Mike loves pizza, which he does, and let's say he would like to have it five nights a week, which he would. Because he does most of the cooking, let's say he DOES make pizza five nights a week. I do love pizza, but if I eat it that often I start to get sick of it, and to no longer look forward to it. I eat much less of it, and I enjoy it much less, if at all. It's now something I kind of choke down.

If we had pizza less often, I would enjoy it A LOT. I would look forward to it. I would LOVE it. But because we are having it TOO OFTEN, I lose a lot of my enjoyment. I start to wonder why both of us have to eat pizza at the rate HE likes to have pizza, especially since having it as often as he wants it is destroying my enjoyment of it. I start thinking of solutions that involve him eating pizza five nights a week, four of those nights by himself and one of those nights with me.

Imperfect Analogy

Here's one of the things I find so puzzling in a relationship with unequally-matched sexual appetites (which would be almost ALL relationships): why would the person who wants it MORE keep wanting to do it even when the other person is obviously getting NOTHING out of it? I'd be embarrassed to be the only one having a good time. I'd feel silly and self-conscious. I'd rather Do It only when we were BOTH into it, and then Take Care Of It Myself the rest of the time.

It's the same way I am when I want to chat and he doesn't: I pick up on his cues, and I choose another time to talk, a time when he's more interested in talking. Or when I want to go shopping and he doesn't, I either wait until he's in the mood to go too, or I go by myself. ...Er, or I talk/shop with someone else, but this is where the analogy really falls apart.

Perhaps Booking Another Trip Would Help

Before my recent trip, I went on a diet. I didn't want to talk about it on my regular blog because my sister-in-law and brother read it, and if I'D recently had a baby, I don't think I'd want to hear that MY sister-in-law was dieting before visiting me.

In my case, I'd put on mumble-mumble pounds since the last time I'd seen them, and I'm significantly larger than my sister-in-law to begin with, so my goal was not to be Svelter Than Thou but merely to be Non-Startling. I had about 3.5 weeks from trip-booking to trip-taking, and I lost a little more weight than I could have hoped to lose in that amount of time.

I felt really great. I was so glad that this trip had happened to get me back on track. I thought, "Hey, look at me! I'm PUTTING DOWN MY FORK! I'm eating SMALLER PORTIONS! I'm choosing NOT to eat that, because I'm NOT hungry---or because although I AM hungry it's NOT worth it! I'm choosing NOT to buy candy at Target! I'm choosing NOT to have a snack in the evening! OMG! It's like I'm SOMEONE ELSE! This is AWESOME! This is POSSIBLE!"

Then I got back from the trip and lost all my momentum. In fact, my apparent goal is to regain that mumble as quickly as possible. I'm already up about a third of a mumble, and yesterday I ate so much I actually WISHED I would throw up so I could stop feeling so sick.

This is the biggest trouble I have with diets. Shocker, right? Since pretty much EVERYONE ELSE has the EXACT SAME biggest trouble? I can only sustain a short-term interest in a diet, and only for a very interesting and motivating reason such as an upcoming event.

I suppose this is how that whole "lifestyle change" idea got started: someone noticed that diets don't work long-term because they fizzle out, so the real challenge is putting yourself on a diet that WON'T fizzle, also known as a lifestyle change.

I've never been able to make a lifestyle change any more than I've been able to keep a diet from fizzling. To me, that's just saying that the trick to a successful diet is to NOT lose motivation! So, just keep your motivation and everything will be fine! And also, choose NOT to be tempted by high-calorie foods! And choose not to feel like eating over-sized portions! Yay, yay, you're on your way! You go, girl!

Well. So I've regained a third of a mumble so far, and last night I was all, "Okay, VACATION'S OVER." I did Wii Fit, and in the morning I had coffee and a nutritious, proteiny breakfast. Then I went to Walmart (NOT on an empty stomach) and bought, um. White chocolate macadamia nut cookies. And Breyer's ice cream. And Andes mint chocolate baking bits. Sigh. My only "you go, girl!" moment was NOT buying the Little Debbie fudge rounds.